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They say change is as good as a holiday. Today, my dear friends, I have received word that I have a job in Melbourne, the world’s third most livable city. Inspiration, excitement and cold nights await me and my fair William. I will still be angered by customer service events but bouyed by the creative surrounds of a truly unique city. I hope my word output will increase, and I will finally have the time and energy to take on my writing challenges.

Glory or insanity awaits. Excelsior!

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I have done the apparently unthinkable in these hyper-connected times. I have deleted all of my (now ir)relevant social networking pages. I’ve come to realise how utterly boring and distracting they are, even if their ease of free use may appear beneficial.

Quiz after quiz and the’ you may know this person’ feature are annoying enough. The fact that Facebook actually owns your content is probably the most frustrating and controversial point I don’t believe enough people are aware of. When deleting your MySpace account everything is deleted (as far as I know). Facebook only allows you to deactivate your account whilst holding on to every comment, photo or any other piece of information you were stupid enough to reveal.

I feel these sites have numbed my brain and wasted my time. My quest is to rid my life of all unnecessary evils so I can focus on writing uselessly entertaining pieces. And so it begins.

I don’t know what to write about. Gone is my hard-hitting, bitching wit. My hatred of all things shit had been dulled by months of intellectually stimulating¬† customer service. I require inspiration.

Suggest any subject and I will write 500 words on it just for you. It won’t come gift wrapped or personally signed, but it will be dedicated to you, dear reader, and when I’m a famous writer I may spend half a second thinking of maybe thanking you for helping me recover the word flow.

Today I was introduced to a grown man who calls himself Captain Doughnut. A representative of head office come to check up on us, his badge actually read “Captain Doughnut”. Fuck.

He approached the doughnut box of hell in his cool sneakers, skinny jeans and red shirt with the collar up for no apparent reason as there was no rain, wind or sun. He yelled ‘High Five Team!’ as he ran along the counter in anticipation. I was forced to return the high five, which i did in the most unimpressed and annoyed manner I could manage.

As I was making coffee, he instructed the other girl working to salute the next customer she served. She did so. I wish he’d asked me because I would’ve refused in no uncertain terms and if it became necessary, I would have saluted him in the face.

I have no words to add, this shot is pure awesome*.

*Awe”some\, a. 1. Causing awe; appalling; awful; as, an awesome sight. 2. Expressive of awe or terror.

I’ve always wondered if J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter series would have been anywhere near as popular if he had been named Gary. Observe.

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It may be possible that I have a short memory, but it seems that the reverence and worship of our flag is a relatively new phenomenon. And no one generation has embraced the flag as much as mine. But the way it is embraced has an alienating and abusive tone. The flag is shoved in peoples faces to prove that for usually ethnic reasons ‘I belong here and you don’t’.

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Mindless stupidity has reached pandemic proportions. The customers at my shitty jobs are simply micro examples of this hideously crippling disease.

EXAMPLE:

A man ordered 3 small cappuccinos, immediately followed by a woman who ordered 2 medium flat whites. So far, so boring. I called out above the hideous din of consumption “3 small cappucino” and the 2 flat white woman approached me saying “So, these are mine?”

NO. THEY ARE NOT. CAN YOU NOT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT YOU ORDERED, BITCH?

Why not start the new year by applying to be my boyfriend? All the former criteria remains the same. Although I received no initial applications, I am not yet at desperation point. You’ll still have to be one the world’s most awesome guys to be considered for this position.

APPLY NOW!

Stupidity: The Modern Condition

Due to spending a little too much time working tedious and mind numbing jobs, I intend to keep a kind of treatise on working life. Unlike Ignatius’ most noble of intentions, it will hold no miraculous discoveries, brilliant theories or business plans… all it will contain will be my vented anger at the complete stupidity of virtually everyone.

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