Essential criteria –

1) Not blonde.
2) Not skinny.
3) Be funny.
4) Enjoy reading.
5) Share my generally cynical worldview.
6) I obviously have to find you attractive. Good luck with that.

Why would you bother applying?

1) I’m female.
2) I’m low maintenance. Simply be manly and I’m yours for the taking.
3) I think expensive gifts and flowers are pointless.
4) I love watching sport. I even like playing said sport.
5) I take five minutes to get ready to go anywhere.