Ugliest Girl Of All Time

Announcement

emmature — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 08:54:37 +0000

They say change is as good as a holiday. Today, my dear friends, I have received word that I have a job in Melbourne, the world’s third most livable city. Inspiration, excitement and cold nights await me and my fair William. I will still be angered by customer service events but bouyed by the creative surrounds of a truly unique city. I hope my word output will increase, and I will finally have the time and energy to take on my writing challenges.

Glory or insanity awaits. Excelsior!

Race From The FaceSpace

emmature — Wed, 27 May 2009 08:57:52 +0000

I have done the apparently unthinkable in these hyper-connected times. I have deleted all of my (now ir)relevant social networking pages. I’ve come to realise how utterly boring and distracting they are, even if their ease of free use may appear beneficial.

Quiz after quiz and the’ you may know this person’ feature are annoying enough. The fact that Facebook actually owns your content is probably the most frustrating and controversial point I don’t believe enough people are aware of. When deleting your MySpace account everything is deleted (as far as I know). Facebook only allows you to deactivate your account whilst holding on to every comment, photo or any other piece of information you were stupid enough to reveal.

I feel these sites have numbed my brain and wasted my time. My quest is to rid my life of all unnecessary evils so I can focus on writing uselessly entertaining pieces. And so it begins.

Emma’s Writing Challenge 2009

emmature — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 07:11:58 +0000

I don’t know what to write about. Gone is my hard-hitting, bitching wit. My hatred of all things shit had been dulled by months of intellectually stimulating customer service. I require inspiration.

Suggest any subject and I will write 500 words on it just for you. It won’t come gift wrapped or personally signed, but it will be dedicated to you, dear reader, and when I’m a famous writer I may spend half a second thinking of maybe thanking you for helping me recover the word flow.

Captain Doughnut

emmature — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 04:17:13 +0000

Today I was introduced to a grown man who calls himself Captain Doughnut. A representative of head office come to check up on us, his badge actually read “Captain Doughnut”. Fuck.

He approached the doughnut box of hell in his cool sneakers, skinny jeans and red shirt with the collar up for no apparent reason as there was no rain, wind or sun. He yelled ‘High Five Team!’ as he ran along the counter in anticipation. I was forced to return the high five, which i did in the most unimpressed and annoyed manner I could manage.

As I was making coffee, he instructed the other girl working to salute the next customer she served. She did so. I wish he’d asked me because I would’ve refused in no uncertain terms and if it became necessary, I would have saluted him in the face.

Let Me Eat Cake

emmature — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 21:01:14 +0000

I have no words to add, this shot is pure awesome*.

*Awe”some\, a. 1. Causing awe; appalling; awful; as, an awesome sight. 2. Expressive of awe or terror.

Gary Potter, Student Wizard?

emmature — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:04:01 +0000

I’ve always wondered if J.K Rowling’s Harry Potter series would have been anywhere near as popular if he had been named Gary. Observe.

‘Gary Potter and The Chamber of Secrets! Battling various mythical beasts and some evil dude called Doldemorn with his bestest ever mate, Don Weasley’.

It makes them seem like boring, middle-aged accountants, not bad arse rebellious teenage wizards. I am starting to think there is an untapped genre here. The middle-aged accountant, economist, stock broker, financial advisor, getting fucked up the arse by something that must not be named – the ever mythical and supreme being of The Market.

They need a bad arse, market-kicking wizard fighting machine to save no only their arses, but the entire world. In to this fray steps Mr Gary Potter. (Potter & Dursley Accounting Services, Gloucestershire). Now to think of a title…

Patriotism: That’s UnAustralian

emmature — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 22:11:29 +0000

It may be possible that I have a short memory, but it seems that the reverence and worship of our flag is a relatively new phenomenon. And no one generation has embraced the flag as much as mine. But the way it is embraced has an alienating and abusive tone. The flag is shoved in peoples faces to prove that for usually ethnic reasons ‘I belong here and you don’t’.

I love Australia. What I love about this country and its people most is our casual, unassuming way of approaching and embracing life. We’re jokers, we talk amazingly. Things are rarely good, they’re not bad instead.Our language is a ripper and we hardly use it anymore. We are such a young place in the grand-scheme of world history. We’re like the 15 year old second cousin to the Americas and Europe. Running around whingeing ‘I want to be a great nation when I grow up’.

The great thing is that we already are. Sports people are god-like to us, but we have produced many more heroes. I challenge you to name one of the many great Australian scientists and what they’ve achieved without Google. And if you can’t, look them up anyway. Do it for Orstraylia, mate.

Your fucking coffee is ready!

emmature — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 10:59:35 +0000

Mindless stupidity has reached pandemic proportions. The customers at my shitty jobs are simply micro examples of this hideously crippling disease.

EXAMPLE:

A man ordered 3 small cappuccinos, immediately followed by a woman who ordered 2 medium flat whites. So far, so boring. I called out above the hideous din of consumption “3 small cappucino” and the 2 flat white woman approached me saying “So, these are mine?”

NO. THEY ARE NOT. CAN YOU NOT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT YOU ORDERED, BITCH?

This Position Must Be Filled

emmature — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:54:37 +0000

Why not start the new year by applying to be my boyfriend? All the former criteria remains the same. Although I received no initial applications, I am not yet at desperation point. You’ll still have to be one the world’s most awesome guys to be considered for this position.

APPLY NOW!

I am Ignatius J. Reilly

emmature — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 08:19:00 +0000

Stupidity: The Modern Condition

Due to spending a little too much time working tedious and mind numbing jobs, I intend to keep a kind of treatise on working life. Unlike Ignatius’ most noble of intentions, it will hold no miraculous discoveries, brilliant theories or business plans… all it will contain will be my vented anger at the complete stupidity of virtually everyone.

CASE #1

LOCATION: Krispy Kreme

“So, this lime doughnut… it’s like mint flavoured right?”
NO IT’S FUCKING LIME.

CASE #2

LOCATION: Kripsy Kreme

There is a cheaper deal for seniors, who get 25% off everything. Four different people, all youthful or middle-aged have seriously asked me the following question…

“Do you have to be a senior to get the seniors deal?”

So ends this chapter of ‘Stupidity: The Modern Condition’. No doubt there will be many more entires. A big fuck you goes out to all yo’ consumers.